ANGER

The phone rung three times in her office and she picked it up. At the other end of the line, a strange female voice answered, “please rush to Queens Hospital your daughter is here and she is seriously injured!” Before she could ask who she was talking to the line was cut. In her confused state, she rushed to the hospital and when she got there, she only found a corpse of her daughter lying on the mortuary bed. She died just a few minutes before she arrived. Liz was her beloved second-born child who only turned sixteen a few days before she died the most horrified and gruesome death. She had a deep cut in her skull and another one on the left side of her face. The beloved daughter was hacked to death by the very same person who was supposed to be her protector, provider, and shield. She lost her life in the hands of her own father! Upon seeing the body of her dead child she collapsed and fainted consequently she stayed in the hospital for the next two weeks and she missed the funeral of her daughter and life never remained the same.

The beautiful girl was hacked to death by her father who was ever angry simply because she brought him water in a plastic cup, not a glass cup. Earlier that morning her father had an intense fight with her mother before she left for work and because he was still angry at what happened earlier that morning he took his anger on his own child and hacked her to death. This man had a history of being a high tempered guy like the Tasmanian devil and very violent when his temper flares. He would beat his wife and kids like animals, break the furniture, smash house windows and sometimes he would take his anger on the family dog who also died because of his beatings. Outwardly, he was a fine, smart handsome man, well-educated with a beautiful smile. No one could ever have known he was a boiling furnace inside. He had personal issues that he never talked about and he would flip over any trivial matter. My grandfather never had the ability to control and manage his anger!

Weapon experts say the most dangerous and lethal weapons are those that cannot be easily detected, those that are so subtle. A lot of such armories carry an enormous power of distraction and their effects last for a long time. They leave marks that can never be erased in history. Anger is one such weapon. Its destructive power at times is irreparable.

Oxford dictionary defines anger as, ‘A strong passion or emotion of displeasure or antagonism, excited by real or supposed injury or insult to one’s self or others, or by the intent to do such injury’. If this strong passion of displeasure is not managed well, it will cause havoc beyond comprehension. There are other people with unmanaged anger who are ticking time bombs. They can explode anytime! William DeFoore, an anger management writer, described it as a pressure cooker: we can only apply pressure against our anger for a certain amount of time until it explodes. This means that there is a limit to which we can mute the anger inside us before we wield to the pressure built inside us and explode. My grandfather gruesomely murdered his daughter because of anger. In its strong form (anger), impairs one's ability to process information and to exert cognitive control over their behavior. An angry person may lose his/her objectivity, empathy, prudence or thoughtfulness and may cause harm to themselves or others. Many of us can relate to this in our lives or of others. 

Anger can be expressed passively or aggressively. Passive anger expression could be psychological manipulation, Evasiveness, and self-blame but the real threat is the aggressive anger which could lead to bullying, Unpredictability, Vengeance, and Destructiveness. 

A few years ago one of my closest friend Kate lost her marriage due to uncontrolled and unmanaged anger. She would get flipped over trivial matters and she would shout, hit or break anything within her reach. Tony her husband tried to help her with her anger issues but it got to a point where one day she took a knife threatening Tony because she was asked to change the attire she wore as they were preparing to go to church. Tony thought that the attire was inappropriate for a church service. Kate thought he was controlling and bossing her and she exploded! She took a kitchen knife threatening to put it between Tony’s eyes. This was the cutoff point for Tony and he sought divorce and the custody of their three-year-old son. One beautiful family was torn apart because of uncontrolled anger. Her anger issues could be traced back to her childhood where she had an abusive father who used to beat her and her two brothers mercilessly every time they mess up or sometimes for no apparent reason. This environment bred a monster in her and she always felt venerable especially among men when they have a different opinion from hers. So her coping strategy was to get angry and shout at them mostly using very hurtful words. 

Nobody is ever born angry but self-environments and situations have the ability to create one angry person if they are not handled properly. Anger can also be caused by Low Self-Esteem. For example, if a man feels inferior to a woman be it at work, school or at home, he might turn up to the angry Hulk. He would cover his efficiencies and deficiencies by being a red-hot iron. This could also apply if a wife earns more than the husband and she’s more educated than him. Every time she has a different idea to his, it becomes an issue. If she tries to question him about something, he feels undermined and he lashes at her which might lead to physical, sexual or psychological abuse. The same can be said about a wife who has a Low Self-Drive. Who looks at herself as unattractive and out of shape she might become angry and over jealously every time her husband talks to someone who she views as very attractive and better than her. Many have lost blessings, relationships, jobs because of unresolved personal issues which resulted in uncontrolled anger.

Studies have shown that uncontrolled and unmanaged anger can cause both physical and mental problems. Physically, anger can cause headache digestion problems, such as abdominal pain Insomnia increased anxiety depression high blood pressure skin problems, such as eczema heart attack stroke. Mentally anger can separate you from other people, keep you feeling like a victim, impacts your ability to be grateful and have a healthy spirit, feeling inadequate, depression and anxiety.

It should be pointed out here that getting angry is not wrong. It is not a sin, however, how you react and the actions that follow is what matters. A person who loses his cool more often can act foolishly and the book of Ecclesiastics says anger rests or resides in the bosom of fools. This is primarily because a lot of angry people act foolishly without thinking of the consequences of their actions only to regret afterward. Numerous times I have done that myself and the pains of regret are always enormous. This is also echoed in the book of Proverbs which says that ‘A quick-tempered person does foolish things and the one who devises evil schemes is hated.’  In other verses in the same book, it says ‘An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.’ It’s very easy to go wrong when anger is not controlled that’s the reason they say never make any decision when you are angry because it is constantly difficult to rationally reason in that state. Laurence J. Peter said, ‘Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.’ 

Many of us can relate to this. There are choices, judgments, actions that we made because of anger and today we are paying the painful price of the consequences of our actions. We wished we could have reacted better than we did. We wish if we had reserved the judgment we passed until our minds were sober. We only wish if it was possible to turn back the hands of time, maybe the job, the opportunity or the relationship we lost wouldn't have been lost.

Now the question might be, how do we deal with anger issues? How do we manage anger? A lot has been written on anger management and the next article will highlight ways on how anger can be managed. Joyce Meyer said, ‘It's so important to realize that every time you get upset, it drains your emotional energy. Losing you are cool makes you tired. Getting angry a lot of messes with your health.’ Let's remember that, in our anger, we do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold -Ephesians 

Let's stay sober until the next article.